Fundamental sign of problem in marriage is breakdown in communication

Dr Shivani Misri Sadhoo is a certified psychologist, relationship expert, and marriage counselor based in India. 

In an interview, she tells Arushi Soni that problems in marriage can become the trigger for mental health issues for both spouses and suggests therapy to make it work.

“If you are frequently arguing or fighting over everything, including the most trivial things, with no end in sight, it is advisable that you seek some sort of couple therapy,” she says. “Basic understanding diminishing between the couple also indicates that the couple needs some kind of intervention.”

Excerpts from the interview: 

Do problems in marriage contribute to mental health issues? 

Marriage or problems in a marriage is becoming one of the reasons people experience some sort of and different levels of mental health issues. Over the years, I have worked with multiple clients who were going through anxiety, anger issues, depression, social anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, obsessions, and phobias – all of which found their source in their marriages. In such a time, timely intervention by a counselor could be beneficial. 

What, in your opinion, are some warning signs that marriage requires counseling?

There are many signs. Sometimes it could be just one sign, other times it could be a multiple of them at the same time.

One of the most fundamental signs is a breakdown in communication. If you are frequently arguing or fighting over everything, including the most trivial things, with no end in sight, it is advisable that you seek some sort of couple therapy. 

Then there is a visible lack or loss of interest in your partner. Diminishing of the basic understanding between the couple also shows that they need some kind of intervention. 

Another warning sign is when you or your partner is restricting love, affection, or intimacy as punishment and withholding one or all on trivial matters as revenge towards another. 

There is also a very thin line between secrecy and privacy. Every individual has the right to keep some things private from their partners. However, intentionally withholding information, keeping facts, or refusing to share things with your partners, all point towards secrecy and can cause strains in a marriage. 

Other signs include lack of intimacy both physical and emotional, infidelity, domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc. Ideally, in all the above cases, you should seek some sort of intervention. 

Can you explain a bit about what marriage counseling means and walk us through a typical session with a couple?

Marriage counseling is a process wherein a counselor enables the couple seeking counseling to understand and resolve conflicts marring their relationship. A counselor does so by providing the couples with a safe space and the tools to initiate conversation and communicate better in order to resolve their problems.  

A typical counseling session begins with the counselor going through the history and timelines of the relationship of the couple in question, right from the time they first met. The initial sessions also draw on the individual’s early life, including their upbringing and family background. 

The counselor then takes some time to study and understand their relationship, before laying out the ways to help the couple. No two counseling processes necessarily look the same and can differ from couple to couple. Some relationships might take months, others may take even a year of work. The key is to have faith in your counselor and work collaboratively.

Seeking the assistance of a marriage counselor still carries some stigma. How can we address it?

I would like to address two things here. First, seeking a marriage counselor is not always a negative thing. It may also indicate your acknowledgment and willingness to seek some kind of intervention to resolve differences with your partner. A counseling session might actually change your relationship for the better. 

And second, everyone needs to understand that just as a relationship does not encounter problems over a day’s time, but instead accumulates over a period of time, similarly, counseling does not and cannot show results within a day. It is a slow and gradual process, and you have to trust your counselor and give him/her a chance to help you through your problems. 

This also means that the first counselor you seek help from may not necessarily be the best one for you with respect to your relationship. However, there are many counselors who offer the initial counseling sessions free of cost or at reduced costs to give you a chance to try therapy with them and see if their method suits you. Couples should take advantage of that and then eventually stick to a counselor whose methods seem to work for their relationship. 

The Gottman Method for healthy relationships is gaining popularity in India. Can you explain what it is about?

The Gottman method for Healthy Relationships is a form of couples-based therapy that draws on the insights and findings of psychologist John M. Gottman. The method provides a structured roadmap for relationships to encourage healthy communication, empathetic listening, resolving conflicts, and finding common ground.

Couples who enter into Gottman Method Couples Therapy begin with an assessment process. It entails a conjoint session with the couple, which is followed by individual interviews with each of the partners. As part of the assessment process, the couples complete questionaries and then receive detailed feedback on their relationship. This assessment process informs the therapeutic framework and intervention that the counselor would follow over the counseling period. 

As part of the process, we also conduct relapse prevention therapy for the couples to prevent them from going down the same spiral and enable them to communicate their issues with each other. This typically happens after the final counseling session with the couple. 

Personally, I have been practicing the Gottman Method for years now and have received a positive response from my clients which has kept me going. 

Can you give an example of a particularly challenging case you’ve worked on, and how you helped the couple make progress despite the difficulties they faced?  

A few years back, I worked with a woman who is a scientist. She was having troubles in her marriage, particularly pertaining to her in-laws, and wanted to work through the situation with her husband. Her husband, though, was extremely resistant to the counseling and initially refused to attend any session with us. The case became challenging, with the couple having different opinions. However, I eventually managed to speak to the husband and explain to him how the counseling sessions would benefit their relationship and enable them to resolve their differences. 

Once we got them on the same page, we began the counseling process, taking both individual and joint sessions. The entire process took close to one and a half years, with a four-month gap during the COVID-19 pandemic. But we were able to work through their problems, and now they are in a happy and peaceful relationship, both personally and with respect to their families.

Also Read: Early marriages wreck mental health of girls in Uttar Pradesh, Bihar: Study